Just a normal day.

Friday mornings are a little different around here. Monday-Thursday Aaneqa Heather and Rhys get on the bus at about 7:10 so I have to get them up at 6:30. On Fridays, Rhys doesn't have school, so I have to take the girls. I get them up after 7 am.

Last night, we had trick or treating. (YES it was a week early, I have no control over how our town runs Trick or Treating and we had a lot of fun!) The kids were very amped up about the fun they had last night. I was able to get them to bed pretty close to regular bed time so I was pretty proud of me.

This morning, pretty close to 7 am, I hear footsteps and then Heather comes in to close my door. I was trying to settle the baby down to go back to sleep but I knew that the temptation of candy was going to be too great for them. I jumped up, put the candy in a protected space and went back to the baby.

Naturally, the kids came in to wake the baby up since I wasn't letting them get candy. I decided to let them mess around while I read my morning Bible Study on my phone. Suddenly, I was smelling some odd odor. The room was still dark so I was pretty confused as to what the smell could be.

I finally discovered the Baby had gotten a bottle of cough medicine and poured it all over the floor and was trying to drink the dregs from the bottom of the bottle. AACCKK!!! (I had woken up coughing at 2 am and must not have put the lid back on well enough, at 2 am, I am not coherent enough to make good decisions it seems)

I had Heather turn on the light and I cleaned off the baby and the floor. This did NOT put me in a good mood.

I tried very hard to reign in my frustration but the baby spilled a mess of cereal on the floor and I stepped in the pee on the floor from last night when Rhys took off his costume but couldn't hold it any longer. I had forgotten about it last night and went to bed without cleaning it up.

I got a late start getting everyone ready and barely made it out the door in time to get the kids to school. I think they may have actually been a minute or two late. :(

On the way to school, I was constantly running the windshield wiper cleaner fluid because I neglected to get outside in time to start the car so it wasn't defrosted and the frost kept overtaking the windows.

When I was leaving the school, I realized, I never did manage to brush the girls' hair. Heather is fine because her hair somehow naturally falls into a nice arrangement most of the time. Aaneqa on the other hand has a loose ponytail with lots of little wisps of crazy hair floating around the top of her head. I feel so bad for her! :( She is already sensitive to people criticizing her without me "helping" her along.

I always feel so overwhelmed on mornings like this. They happen way to often.

Had I but put out clothes for today last night, and put the girls costumes in their backpacks last night for the parties today I would have had at least that much of my morning in order rather than being horribly frustrated by every little thing.

Since then, I have actually done more housework than I usually manage in a week. Unlike my usual modus operandi, I actually went after the cough medicine with some soapy water. I hope I managed to clean it well enough for Don to shampoo it up. (I really do not know how to use the shampooer) I then proceeded to go after a couple of other spots in the living room I have not bothered with for quite some time. I EVEN shock gasp remembered to go after that pee spot FINALLY.

I have seen a meme of a woman that says something similar to, I keep expecting the adults to show up! I have come to the conclusion I live my life as if the adults are about to show up at any moment and take care of all the things I keep falling behind on. It is a rough reality to realize that "I" am in fact THE adult. It is apparent I have rarely employed that aspect of my personality.

A morning in the life of me. Wracked with frustration and irritation.

Oh me of little faith.

 

You know as Moms. Well. Ok. "I" As a mom feel like I take superior care of my children. I micromanage their little lives and what they can and cannot do down to a "T". I have this house locked down pretty tight and even though my kids still get away with things it's usually hard for them to accomplish when MOM is on call. 

 Daddy on the other hand. Well. He's a little more lackadaisical. I don't always feel comfortable leaving the babies with Daddy because he's not ON TOP OF IT. Not to the obsessive level I am. AS A MOM. You know. Right?? 

Last Thursday, I fell UP the back stairs with the baby in my arms, he hit his head on the CONCRETE stairs. He was and still is perfectly fine. But because of the height. (I am almost 6 foot tall) and the DENT in his skull, they gave him a CT scan. (score 1 against MOMMA.. for today)

The next day, I noticed that my eldest child was about to make a very expensive mistake. I chased after her and in the process of loudly expressing my concern at her choices, I opened the door onto my face, my nose/upper lip area where there is a pretty large nerve bundle. Yea. My kids got a slightly new vocabulary in that moment. The baby was crawling behind me and while I was screaming inappropriate words and other things, he was sticking his head through the cat door behind me screaming as well because he was afraid. (score 2 against Momma opps) 

My wonderful Mom came to visit me yesterday and when she brought me a crock pot of food I decided to move it into the kitchen, she opened the door and I dropped the pot on the floor. It shattered into a million pieces. I managed to NOT get quite all of them picked up and Aaneqa almost stepped on one later. (score 3 against Momma)

Was at the Dr for a follow up appt with Zane this morning. I described how we fell, I described how the next day I had hit myself in the face with a door. She said, Well, what was the third thing?? These things usually happen in 3s!

I then went on to describe how I had dropped my Mom's crock pot and it shattered into a million pieces yesterday. Mom and I both got a little hysterical at the calamities I am surrounded by. The Dr had covered her face at least twice to laugh and then apologize. (I really really love my dr she is the very best pediatrician ever! She has to practice for at least 17 more years.)

I left the dr feeling pretty good, my 3 things had happened and I should be set yea?

Zane was messing around trying to get into stuff on his Daddy's desk. I had been hearing a buzzing like a fly and had been ignoring it. All the sudden, he was wringing his hands and crying and I had NO idea what had happened. I had this idea that maybe the buzzing had been a bee and he had grabbed it. I picked him up and looked at his hands and he just cried and cried. One of his hands had a sore looking finger but I was afraid that I wasn't seeing the injury because of my poor vision.   

I took him upstairs to Don and we examined his hands. Nothing.  He was laying back when I noticed the bump on his belly. On intuition I had Don check in his diaper. When Don uncovered that wasp, I THREW the baby at him. He caught him beautifully. I treated his wound and he is perfectly fine.

Don is a great Daddy. 

That is all. 

Simple Joy!

Some days it seems like the rainclouds of life are hovering over us and making life impossible to bear.

 

I know that at times I just want to curl up in a ball and give up the fight.

Simple joys can be easier to find than you imagine. 

Watching my children play in the rain has reminded me that pleasure can be completely free. It can be absolutely ridiculously easy to be filled with joy. 

Look at my children enjoying the freedom of playing in the storm! 

 Watching them play helped fill a part of me which had previously desired THINGS. I want to get them STUFF and things and go places.
They are having far more fun in our own back yard playing in a rain storm. Far more fun than when we go to a wonderful place filled with shops and toys that they cannot possibly possess. This simple joy fills me with an absolutely wonderful glee.

Things go south very quickly, 10 minutes later, the boy is whining and the girls are bickering, and yet, I have the memory of the fun playing in the rain to help me grab hold of an inner peace which is hard to grasp all to often.

Other simple joys we can enjoy at home when there isn't a handy rainstorm include things like

Making colorful cakes.

Rolling Gnocchi. (or just general cooking together)

Also in the absence of a rainstorm one can enjoy a beautiful sunrise or sunset every single day!!!

 And remember, after the storm, we are graced with the most wonderful promise of all.

Simple Joys. :) In the midst of a crazy life!

Quitting feels like winning.

Five weeks ago, I started taking online courses for my master's degree.

Three weeks ago, after many weeks of Heather being sick with a cough etc, and the baby starting to come down with some junkiness, I started falling behind in my classes.

My professors were awesome! Very helpful in extending due dates and just generally being lovely and understanding.

Heather got better, but Zane got worse and I never quite managed to get around to catching up.

This week, I got sick, and I fell farther and farther behind.

I got to the point where I felt so incredibly overwhelmed by everything that I wasn't accomplishing ANYTHING in my classes or around my home.

Yesterday, I finally admitted defeat and today I dropped out of school.

There may be some financial repercussions which will definitely be a horrible set back since financially we are not even close to treading water right now. I am choosing to bask in the idea my time will be spent with my kids and all of their needs (appointments etc etc) rather than trying to do homework while they beg me to play.

There may come a day when school is in my future, the day is not today! And it feels pretty good to come to that realization and take action on it.

An email from my professor Dr Donald Ellsworth.

  have no argument with your decision to drop the class, though it is disappointing since the work you turned in was very good without exception. God must be first in life, but your family (which God gave you) comes at a close second. Some of your symptoms might well be the result of the extra pressures you've been under, this class contributing, and your health is important. I'm sure you have prayed about this decision, as you stated, and I understand and support you, as I've stated. I hope you get back to normal very soon and can enjoy life as God intended it for you. And, I do hope you'll consider returning to your studies when you feel ready. There is SO MUCH to learn!

Makes me feel good, and sad all at the same time. I really appreciated his willingness to work with me!! :) 

Debates within my own mind about homeschooling

I have a lot of friends and even family who homeschool.

Prior to having more than one child, I had every intention of homeschooling.

My kids are in public school.

Why? I have discovered that my patience for my children is virtually nil and I feel like they are getting an excellent education where they are.

I am currently debating homeschooling my children. Not this year, maybe not next year. Possibly never, but possibly some day.

I am going to base this decision on each child's needs and my own perception of how the school is meeting their needs. At this time, my children are each getting an excellent education. I am happy with their teachers and how well their needs are being met.

Bless my heart, I am loving having both girls gone most of every day. I love how Heather is currently pretty much too tired to think straight from the time she gets home til she goes to bed. I am fully expecting that to change, but I'm enjoying it for now. I am loving time with MY BOYS. :)

Why do I want to homeschool? Well, Links like THIS  HomeSchool Facts!!! Certainly spell it out in clear language why it's a good idea. I do not like the fact that my children are going to be learning to strongly believe in a theory of life's inception that has no more basis in scientific fact than the theory I believe quite strongly myself. However, it is taught as a dogma that is considered proven fact and anyone who speaks against it is laughable at best by today's standards of "intellegence."

I also do not like the social influences that my children will be exposed to in public school. I was exposed to these things and made it out warped but ... ok. I worry about those who I know came out of it believing that it is acceptable to do certain things I do not agree with even remotely. I worry that my oldest daughter who is the biggest prude who ever walked the earth will come out of school with some extremely bad experiences. She is highly suggestible and doesn't really stand up for herself effectively. She even lets her smaller siblings talk her into things that she KNOWS are wrong. she KNOWS it. She makes friends with children who have extremely terrible home lives. I am ok with her being friends with them. I have a lot of reasons for being ok with it not the least of which is the opportunity to minister to their families. Also, because I want her and our family to be a good example to them. However, I am also concerned for the things that she has done and will escalate into doing as she gets older.

I am concerned that my Heather bug will not get what she needs out of school. She is so smart, she loves to learn, but she is super easily dis-tractable and she LOVES to make trouble. She gets a kick out of seeing others go insane because of how she is acting. She could very easily be labeled a bad kid and get terrible grades because she needs special allowances to help her succeed. Most people prefer to react to the aftermath of a situation, with Heather it's better to be proactive and be ahead of her, it makes a huge difference in her behaviour.

I want to be able to take my kids to various activities throughout the year on school days. Not pull them from school, have it be a PART OF their school. Going to the zoo, the art museum, a science center, a nature preserve, just about anything. I do not like going on weekends when these places are so jam packed you can't breathe much less enjoy yourself.

At the moment, seeing the things my homeschooling friends post makes me want to pull my kids and let my heart grow fonder of them because I am WATCHING them blossom and grow right in front of my eyes. However, because they are genuinely getting an excellent education from people I share strong values with, I know that they are in the right place. As they get older, if this starts to shift, well. They are going to come home and we are going to embark on an educational journey together!!

Part of what has me not even seriously considering it for "RIGHT NOW" is the fact that my husband is working full time and doing a full time internship as well. I am taking master's courses and I have a tiny infant who is currently into EVERYTHING. It is too much. This is working best for us today. We'll see what tomorrow brings. :) We'll see. 

Autistic Moment with my sweet Heather bug.

My heart is just breaking for my Heather.

First of all, she's not feeling 100%. She has a cough which means her asthma is acting up pretty bad. I've been treating her but sometimes it takes WEEKS to get her out of this.
Because of feeling bad, her autism symptoms of being kind of a jerk are off the charts awful.
Add to that school starting this week and she's also off kilter because of that.

Today, I picked her up from school with Aaneqa and we had to immediately leave to run errands. (another schedule change to throw her off)

After a Drs appt where she was surprisingly AWESOME, (Rhys was being seen and Aaneqa was acting up, that made for a GREAT afternoon for Heather ha ha) we went to this spectacular store where they have art classes for kids with special needs. There is a sensory area, sensory products, art work, and a big art area. It was an open house and I had NO Idea what to expect, but I didn't give the kids any reason to have any expectations.

We go in and she's pumped. She wants to do art work. It isn't possible. They aren't doing art for random kids coming in. But at that point, no one was doing art, so it was easy to convince her that it's not possible.

They had a "machine" where you could "catch" money in a sort of wind machine to be able to buy stuff at the store. She was TERRIFIED of it. Rhys went in and won $2. Aaneqa went in and won $17!!! They were all shopping and picking out their "prizes". Heather was super jealous, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it.

Someone came in for an art class. She saw someone else start to do art. She decided, if she went into this machine and won some money she could get an art class and paint. SHE SUCKED IT UP and got into that machine and won herself some money. I was so proud of her.

She wasn't able to get an art class right then though. She got a gift certificate to be able to do an art class another day. She was SO SO SO sad. She melted down and cried.

The lady very politely tried to get Heather to calm down and chill out. She really couldn't paint today.

I took Heather aside and told her that if she could calm down and be really ok with the art class another day she would for sure get art stuff for her birthday (which is today...now that it's midnight) She didn't want to, but she calmed down and picked out a couple of little rings from the store and I went ahead and bought them for her. The lady goes, you didn't get these for throwing a fit did you? I get why she said what she did, but I gotta stand up for my baby and her feelings here. I really do like this organization and I am looking forward to working with them. I feel that if they weren't so busy with all the craziness of the open house it would have worked out better for little Heather. I bear no one any ill will, it was just a rough moment for a little girl having a rough time handling all that was going on around her.

Anyway. . . . I just feel really bad because I  know what Heather's thought process was and she actually managed to pull herself together and take it really really well even though she got her little heart broken. I feel like she deals with disappointment a lot and I just want her to be able to see things and know what and why. I am even ok with her being sad, but I hate when she has these fantastic ideas and just KNOWS they will work out and really they just can't.

Ok... That's all for now. I hope I am not just overreacting. If for no other reason because tomorrow is her birthday, I want her to be able to be happy and have a wonderful day where things go HER way!!!

At a loss.

Don dealt with seeing many very horrible things as a child. He saw his father kill a man by beating him to death when he was only 5 or 6 years old. That's Heather's age. He wanted, wished for someone to take him away from his parents as a kid so he could live in a normal house. He was spanked pretty harshly as a child.

I was spanked with a board as a child. I lived in a pretty strict but loving household.

We are raising our children with a far more calm view. We are not letting them get away with things, we don't fear saying no to them. We are making a deliberate choice to raise them trying to find the positive. Such as; Heather is a complete pain in the car and Aaneqa responds to it in a horrible way at times. Therefore, in an effort to change this (after years of many many "negative" approaches including pulling over the car to beat butts, pulling her out of the car while I scream at her, pinching legs or smacking legs of the offender if they are in reach, yelling a LOT) I am now attempting to preteach and give positive spin to things. I say, Heather, if you can keep yourself from annoying your sister, (no strange noises no picking on her) you will be able to earn X thing when we get home, a snack, a hug, a something. THIS has been working wonders. I've only been doing it for a week and it's already had a huge impact on car trips. I am not dreading them quite as badly. Has every car trip been a dream NOPE, but a gentle reminder of what she could earn as opposed to a loud reminder of what she is going to LOSE has helped a lot. I'm not great at remembering to preteach though, so I am going to have to stay on top of this somehow.

My children are every one of them extremely strong willed, born that way. They test the limits constantly in ways I could have never imagined. It is mentally exhausting to attempt to tell them all the parameters of what is and isn't acceptable for every thing they do. They are each excellent little lawyers with loopholes and you didn't say this or that. I am certain that if I did keep them penned in the way Don and I were our kids would be horrible sneaks and even worse liars than they already are.

Last night, the girls were caught having used a hammer to bang holes in their walls. HOLES IN THE WALLS. Heather just looked at me with big eyes afraid of being IN TROUBLE. She still doesn't seem to "get" what she did wrong. Aaneqa has blamed Heather consistently by saying Heather TOLD her to do it and kept telling her to do it. As if somehow a 5 year old can control a 9 year old. Seriously??

Don was so mad he wanted to bite nails. He may not be over it yet. I think this is his first big betrayal by Aaneqa which is saying a lot as she is a defiant willful child. Anyway, he is very hurt.

Last night, we removed all privileges from the girls. No electronic anything, no snacks. You can play outside, you can play with the toys that are non electronic you can READ. You can do CHORES. When the 2 days of grounding are up, they are to do household things to EARN the privilege of using things. We explained in detail to Aaneqa. Heather was there but zoned out big time really early on. Don explained how it was for him as a child, to be beaten, to have to fear your parents, to wish you could have another family. He was trying so hard to get Aaneqa to understand that she has it easy. She doesn't get it at ALL she's never had to deal with any of the things Don had to deal with as a child.

Today, she was super good this morning. We got home around lunch time and she ran around doing some chores. Afterwards she says, can I have a snack? I gently reminded her that the choice of putting holes in the wall meant she lost all privileges for 2 days. She whined and complained, All those chores were for NOTHING??

I explained that it was not for nothing. She is earning our trust back, she is making up for breaking parts of our house. She is expected to help out. She completely missed it. She just "didn't know it was bad, Sister kept saying and saying it was ok". Um. No. Tough luck sister.

We aren't going to back down. Not at all. Just. Come on please, learn your lessons. Understand why we do what we do. KNOW that it is NOT ok to bang holes in walls, or write on the walls, or backtalk. KNOW IT understand WHY. Don't fear us, don't think we are going to beat you for your bad choices, learn that there are actual natural consequences for things and KNOW IT deep in your bones, what the right choices are. Please.

August 11, 2013.

The above was written 1 1/2 weeks ago. For three blissful days things were pretty ok around here. Since then Heather has gone to my Mom's house for a couple days which was nice. She came home and has been high end crazy ever since. Aaneqa has been actually pretty ok. She still fights dishes with all of her being. Heather has been stepping in to do that some lately, which is great, except.. I really need Aaneqa to get over her attitude. She can hate doing it, but she needs to stop being disrespectful about it. 

Anyway. Life keeps happening regardless. As always. And our kids will grow up and be adults someday, regardless. Therefore, today, I am in better spirits, slightly less discontent.