Don dealt with seeing many very horrible things as a child. He saw his father kill a man by beating him to death when he was only 5 or 6 years old. That's Heather's age. He wanted, wished for someone to take him away from his parents as a kid so he could live in a normal house. He was spanked pretty harshly as a child.
I was spanked with a board as a child. I lived in a pretty strict but loving household.
We are raising our children with a far more calm view. We are not letting them get away with things, we don't fear saying no to them. We are making a deliberate choice to raise them trying to find the positive. Such as; Heather is a complete pain in the car and Aaneqa responds to it in a horrible way at times. Therefore, in an effort to change this (after years of many many "negative" approaches including pulling over the car to beat butts, pulling her out of the car while I scream at her, pinching legs or smacking legs of the offender if they are in reach, yelling a LOT) I am now attempting to preteach and give positive spin to things. I say, Heather, if you can keep yourself from annoying your sister, (no strange noises no picking on her) you will be able to earn X thing when we get home, a snack, a hug, a something. THIS has been working wonders. I've only been doing it for a week and it's already had a huge impact on car trips. I am not dreading them quite as badly. Has every car trip been a dream NOPE, but a gentle reminder of what she could earn as opposed to a loud reminder of what she is going to LOSE has helped a lot. I'm not great at remembering to preteach though, so I am going to have to stay on top of this somehow.
My children are every one of them extremely strong willed, born that way. They test the limits constantly in ways I could have never imagined. It is mentally exhausting to attempt to tell them all the parameters of what is and isn't acceptable for every thing they do. They are each excellent little lawyers with loopholes and you didn't say this or that. I am certain that if I did keep them penned in the way Don and I were our kids would be horrible sneaks and even worse liars than they already are.
Last night, the girls were caught having used a hammer to bang holes in their walls. HOLES IN THE WALLS. Heather just looked at me with big eyes afraid of being IN TROUBLE. She still doesn't seem to "get" what she did wrong. Aaneqa has blamed Heather consistently by saying Heather TOLD her to do it and kept telling her to do it. As if somehow a 5 year old can control a 9 year old. Seriously??
Don was so mad he wanted to bite nails. He may not be over it yet. I think this is his first big betrayal by Aaneqa which is saying a lot as she is a defiant willful child. Anyway, he is very hurt.
Last night, we removed all privileges from the girls. No electronic anything, no snacks. You can play outside, you can play with the toys that are non electronic you can READ. You can do CHORES. When the 2 days of grounding are up, they are to do household things to EARN the privilege of using things. We explained in detail to Aaneqa. Heather was there but zoned out big time really early on. Don explained how it was for him as a child, to be beaten, to have to fear your parents, to wish you could have another family. He was trying so hard to get Aaneqa to understand that she has it easy. She doesn't get it at ALL she's never had to deal with any of the things Don had to deal with as a child.
Today, she was super good this morning. We got home around lunch time and she ran around doing some chores. Afterwards she says, can I have a snack? I gently reminded her that the choice of putting holes in the wall meant she lost all privileges for 2 days. She whined and complained, All those chores were for NOTHING??
I explained that it was not for nothing. She is earning our trust back, she is making up for breaking parts of our house. She is expected to help out. She completely missed it. She just "didn't know it was bad, Sister kept saying and saying it was ok". Um. No. Tough luck sister.
We aren't going to back down. Not at all. Just. Come on please, learn your lessons. Understand why we do what we do. KNOW that it is NOT ok to bang holes in walls, or write on the walls, or backtalk. KNOW IT understand WHY. Don't fear us, don't think we are going to beat you for your bad choices, learn that there are actual natural consequences for things and KNOW IT deep in your bones, what the right choices are. Please.
August 11, 2013.
The above was written 1 1/2 weeks ago. For three blissful days things were pretty ok around here. Since then Heather has gone to my Mom's house for a couple days which was nice. She came home and has been high end crazy ever since. Aaneqa has been actually pretty ok. She still fights dishes with all of her being. Heather has been stepping in to do that some lately, which is great, except.. I really need Aaneqa to get over her attitude. She can hate doing it, but she needs to stop being disrespectful about it.
Anyway. Life keeps happening regardless. As always. And our kids will grow up and be adults someday, regardless. Therefore, today, I am in better spirits, slightly less discontent.
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